Look Homeward, Angel
by Bree In Diamonds
Summary: After the events of the underworld and Alister's death, Lara is emotionally drained with having so much current and past responsibility on her hands. With Zip against her, feeing bitter about her choices and wrapped up in mental angst of his own, there seems to be no way out this time.


**Hello everyone! Due to the fact that there aren't nearly enough Lara/Zip fics existing, I had to do one myself. I've never written for the Tomb Raider section before and haven't posted new material on this site in about three years. However, due to my newly ignited love for Underworld I had to write something about it. I've always wondered what was going through Lara and Zip's minds after the game ended. Anyone feel the same? Anyhow, hope you enjoy! Please excuse any possible spelling errors.**

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Lara felt so overwhelmed. It's been a mere two days since her arrival back from the underworld and thanks to her having the time now to think about things, all of her troubles flooded into her at once. At least while trying to find Thor's belt and hammer could distract her from the knowledge of what happened to Alister and her beautiful home. Now that she sat on the couch in front of the fireplace of another one of her fine estates, there was nothing to distract her thoughts from racing. Being in the dark in front of a roaring fire in the middle of the night didn't help any. Her eyes were so tired, yet she couldn't sleep, or wouldn't allow herself to. Donned in nighttime apparel of a short dark blue gown and silk bathrobe, she sat hunched over with her head in her hands. There was a lot salvaged from the manor after the flames settled. Some areas of the manor weren't even affected by the blast or suffered smoke damage. Oddly enough, a very good portion of the library was untouched, including the area by the windows that Alister liked to house himself most of the time to read and study. Some of the books he was reading previously were still open to his selected pages while others sit around overturned on the floor, probably from the blast. Chairs were tipped over, books fell out of the shelves, coats of armor were knocked from the walls, and shields that were supposed to be on one side of the room ended up on the other. Alister's favorite sections were unscathed. When Lara found this out, she was grateful. She felt the first bout of warmth flow through her like low current electricity. If he were here with her, he'd be in tears with gratitude that his precious books and manuscripts weren't harmed. Lara would be sharing that gratefulness with him at his side.

Croft Manor would be rebuilt as best as possible to resemble its previous stature and all its glory. Lara made arrangements already with a fine contractor and draughtsman to put plans together. Meanwhile, whatever could be salvaged from the aftermath would be brought to her current estate and home, starting with the library. She felt a driven feeling to make sure everything was as it used to be there. It's the least she could do for Alister, as if his spirit wandered and needed somewhere to go and the library was the only place he felt comfortable.

Lara blamed herself for his death. That wasn't anything anyone wasn't aware of. Something greater other than answers of her mum's disappearance pushed her to find Thor's belt and hammer and this was it. She wanted revenge for Alister, as well as answers about her mum, but Alister pulsed through her mind at a greater speed. Someone had to be responsible for his death. At first, she blamed Amanda, and even Natla for creating the doppelganger. Yes, they were factors in this, but it wasn't their fault. It was none other than her own. If she didn't put herself out there and be who she is, Alister would still have his life. Maybe if she didn't take the wraith stone or perhaps destroyed it after taking it from Amanda, the doppelganger wouldn't have had a reason to come here and explode the manor. Why did she do that in the first place? She had the stone from the vault. Why did she need to destroy her home? More importantly, why did she have to shoot Alister? Lara never considered the thought that her team could be harmed under her roof while working for her. She had plenty of past and present enemies, thanks to her persistence on the field, although most of them never held a grudge strong enough to attack her home and colleagues. Things would never be the same again. She could restore her home to the way it used to be, but that wouldn't fill a smidgen of what was lost. Lara is faced with seeing men die all the time, especially on the field when it's either them or her. It never bothered her when it was in self-defense. Not even her father's disappearance caused sleepless nights or this much guilt. For the third time, someone important to her died at her hands. She thanked the heavens that the doppelganger's aim wasn't higher and only caught Zip in the leg. He would've been the fourth.

Zip never said anything aloud, but Lara could tell he was angry with her, just by the looks on his face when they see one another. He missed Alister a great deal. They worked together for a long time and were the best of friends. He had to see his friend's body lying lifelessly on the ground and took it like any friend would. He had fright and fury coursing through his veins simultaneously. Yet again, someone had to take the blame for it. Going back to the source, that would be Lara. Would Zip ever vocally accuse her? He spent a good majority of the past two days harboring himself in his new room, barely being seen. It wasn't just because of Alister that he was there; it was everything that happened rolled into one. He needed time to process things and wanted to do so alone. Lara thought that being alone was the ideal way to process grief as well. All it does is eat her alive. Winston, bless his soul, tried to talk to her about it, not taking no for an answer. Loving Lara like a daughter, he wouldn't hear of it. Lara doesn't get emotional, nor does she cry. She buries herself in work or takes it out on the gym to place her troubles aside. With no work to do at the moment, or a gym to use, she had no choice but to succumb to her jabbing thoughts. Winston was able to get her to talk to him. That was it. After he was gone for the night, that's when the tears came. She was at fault for so many prominent things, including the deaths of both parents and Alister. It was easy growing up and not feeling fault, for she didn't know. It wasn't so easy trying to forget now. Thoughts came flooding back after she lost someone else close to her. What would get them to stop? Spending these past couple nights crying by the fireplace was obviously futile. Whispering forgiveness under her breath was also useless. Guilt was such a strong emotion. Lara couldn't put it aside anymore. Unless her mother, father, and Alister came back from the dead and told her that they were safe, together, and everything was okay, there was no taking her pain away.

Lara whispered into the palms of her hands so low that the words never coherently traveled past them. She would repeatedly apologize. That's what she resorted herself to. There was nothing else she could do. The world was slowly closing in on a powerless, helpless being.

Following a sniffle, she heard her name gently being said from behind the couch somewhere. It caught her by surprise. She glanced over her shoulder and noticed Zip standing a few feet behind her. How long has he been there? What did he want?

"Are you okay?" he asked, keeping his voice low.

"It's not something you need to concern yourself with, Zip," she said, wiping any evidence of crying from her eyes, looking back towards the fire.

"I think you're wrong. With Alister dying and your manor being nearly destroyed, it ties us a little closer, doesn't it?"

"Just because a tragedy was bestowed on us doesn't make you anything more than my employee," she unintentionally bit. "Let me be."

Zip let out a breath of air that sounded like something in between a sigh and a scoff. "I should've known that not even this could change you. You're still the same selfish brat you were the day I met you."

Lara stood and faced him, keeping the couch in between them. It would appear that he did make his feelings be known after all. "You're out of line, Zip," she spoke in a low warning tone.

"No, _you_ are!" His voice grew a few levels higher. "Alister's blood is on your hands and you can care less!"

Lara's jaw tightened. "What evidence do you have against me that I don't care what happened to Alister?"

"Because that's who you are." He took a few limping steps towards the couch. "You always act like yesterday doesn't exist and start fresh all over again the next day."

Her eyes narrowed at him. "If you don't like the way things are around here, you know where the door is. I'm not keeping you here against your will."

"And have someone else be brought here to suffer the same fate as Alister? Not a chance. How do you live with yourself?"

"According to you it's very easy. All I have to do is forget about yesterday and think about today. Just let me inform you, Zip, that today hurts just as bad as tomorrow and all of the days that follow. I won't get a moment's peace, even with your theory."

"You're missing the point of what I said. You don't care about anyone but yourself."

"If that's the case, don't you think I'd be getting a good night's sleep right now instead of down here, wasting my breath arguing with you?"

"You could be down here for many reasons," he said simply with the shrug of his shoulders.

"If you don't mind, I'm not up to par with your bickering. As I said, there's the door. I can manage just fine without you carrying on insults."

Zip pointed to some random spot in the room. "And there's the door for you too. Why are you standing there and listening to me if there isn't some truth in what I'm saying?"

Lara felt tears return to her eyes without her consent. "Don't you think I want to?! Unlike you, I'm stuck here to face the glorified tomorrow while you have every opportunity to leave while you still can! As you can see, I can't guarantee your safety, even at my home." She stepped around the couch to make it so nothing stood in between them, only about five feet of empty space. "If you must know how I feel, I'm dying inside." She felt a tear roll down her cheek. Her metaphorical wall was crumbling, leaving her helpless to suffer the onslaught. "I know it's my fault my mother and father are dead. I spent too much time blaming others so it wouldn't hurt as much. Alister was the last straw. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I'm far from thinking yesterday doesn't exist anymore. Damn you, Zip."

Lara didn't have the strength to lash out at him, or even so much as narrow her eyes or clench her jaw to the harshness that last sentence deserved. Instead, she walked with weak legs to the giant staircase that would take her up to her room. Obviously grieving in private should've been done from the start.

"Lara, I'm sorry," Zip said, also taking a few steps towards the stairs after her.

"It's too late for that. Your services are completed, Zip. You have a week to find other accommodations."

Before either of them could say anything, Lara somehow managed to only catch the next step with half of her foot and while trying to put pressure on it to carry her other foot to the next stair, it slipped and landed wrong in her time of weakness. She yelped out in pain as her entire bare foot turned to the side and her ankle bone smacked on the hard stairs. This never would've happened if she was at her fittest. She stumbled, but grabbed the railing in time before she could fall. Zip was at her side in record time, in spite of his limp and sudden termination. He took a hold of her as she stumbled backwards and almost lost her balance. When he did, he could see just how worn out she really was. Lara would never give way to a simple ankle twisting on a set of stairs, or even let it happen in the first place.

"I got you," he said, putting his arm around her lower back and steadying her firmly. "Hold onto the railing and step up with me."

Lara didn't fight him. She did as he said. When he took a step up the stairs, she followed in suit. This occurred several times before they both reached the top of the long couple of staircases. Even at the top of the stairs, Zip wasn't in any hurry to let her go off on her own with her ankle, which in the span of five minutes, happened to swell up almost twice its size.

"How did you manage that so well with your leg?" she asked, almost sounding solemn.

"The same way you did with your ankle," he responded blithely with a small grin, never taking his arm back.

"It must hurt."

He shook his head. "Nah. Painkillers are still in effect. I'll take you to your room and get you some ice."

"It's just a swollen ankle, Zip. I've dealt with a lot worse on my own time."

"Not while you were this worn down," he pointed out.

"And whose fault is that?" she tossed, glancing over to him. "You and your bloody uncaring words, that's what."

"I didn't know you ever listened to me," he said, somewhat sarcastically, but when it proved to be unproductive in easing the thickness in the air, leaving Lara's face still straight and serious, he didn't act further. It wasn't the appropriate time to be using humor. "I said I was sorry," he added. "I didn't mean it. I'm just upset."

Lara removed his arm from her back. "I can take it from here. You should go get some rest for Alister's funeral tomorrow."

There was still a long way to go to her bedroom, at least a few more corridors, even in the other estates. Zip was far from tired and even further away from sleeping. He hadn't slept a full night since the incident. Alister was on his mind. He kept thinking he would knock on his bedroom door at any moment, complaining that he couldn't sleep and jabber on until the wee hours of the morning about stuff Zip was not interested in. Talking always helped Alister calm down if something bothered him. Zip couldn't stand when he used him to do so. Now, Zip would give anything to hear his incessant babbling just one more time.

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"_Come on, man, just leave it alone. More importantly, leave _me_ alone," Zip said as he tried to get some sleep before Lara arrived in the Mediterranean tomorrow for the start of her quest to find Avalon. __Alister came into his room and made himself comfortable at the foot of his bed without his consent, occasionally pacing back and forth. _

"_I still think Lara is searching for something that doesn't exist and will get herself into trouble. I'm worried about her. Aren't you?"_

_Zip let out an over-exaggerated grunt and threw a pillow over his face. Alister came into his room still dressed in day clothes. He didn't look anywhere near ready to go to bed in spite of it being nearly sunup. _

"_You're getting paid extra so you don't have to worry," he muffled through the pillow._

"_It isn't about the money!" Alister said, aghast, as if that were the most horrifying thing he could ever hear. "Lara's my friend."_

"_Lara's your employer, nothing more," he grumbled. "She would sacrifice you in a second if she had to." _

"_That is not true and it doesn't change how I feel. She's jumping into this thing without knowing what to face. She wants to know what happened to her mum so badly that she's not thinking like she normally would. The professor she talked to could be wrong, regardless if the man knew her father's quest. I mean, who's to say her father was actually sane?! His motive was purely based on that of finding his wife. There is too much emotional obsession there. The man could have gone crazy!"_

"_Kind of like how I am now," Zip grumbled beneath his pillow._

"_He disappeared when he got too close. What if it wasn't a coincidence? Lara is after her mum also and feels as strongly as he did. What if she gets too close and disappears also? She won't know her limits on this one!"_

_Zip removed the pillow quickly from his face and set his jaw. "Lara always jumps into the lion's den with a plan to get out safely. She's been doing it for years. If you don't leave this second, I will personally introduce you to those lions."_

_Alister's face went tight with a frown. "Aren't you listening to me? Why are you being such a bloody jerk about this?"_

"_Because it's five in the morning, I'm tired, and Lara is a big girl who can make her own choices in life. We're not paid to question it. We're paid to go along with it. I'm not her therapist and I'm not yours. I'll see you later." He shifted onto his other side and easily got comfortable._

"_But don't you think this is just slightly upsetting?" he pushed. "I'm worried!"_

_Zip groaned. "I'm not going to get any sleep tonight," he muttered and turned back around to face Alister. "You get worried when you see an ingrown hair on your big toe, Alister. Why Lara keeps a big panic button like you around I'll never know. Now go away."_

"_But—"_

_Zip pointed to his door. "Go. Take your frustrations out on a book or something."_

_Defeated, Alister walked to the door with his shoulders slouched. He could see that he wasn't going to get anywhere by staying here. "Fine," he murmured and left in defeat as if he was a boy again and just scolded by his parents._

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**What do you think? Let me know!**


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